An Insider's Perspective of the Penultimate New Year Bash

by our Stuffed Correspondentist

I know many of us never came back from this one. But since the same thing happened last year the Boss has forbidden me from calling it the Ultimate New Year Bash. It is ultimate since every one who comes to the Bash get Bash-ed and some ultimately attain superexistence due to the injuries suffered. Calling it Penultimate is insincere and rude in the extreme. How extreme, you ask? Extremely left out. Oh, by the way, guess who was the surprise star at our Bash this year? Yep, you guessed it! The Gym-boring maintenance dude! Yea, yea.. usual story.. we got drunk.. we forgot to steal a robotic fingerprint strip.. we got locked in.. then Aleth Mars got so drunk he started sounding very Bot-ish and we used that imitation to convince the maintenance dude to come open the locker for us! (For those who read this column last year, when the surprise star was the Gym-boring Maintenance DOOD, should not confuse the Gym-boring Maintenance DOOD with the Gym-boring maintenance dude)

As always the boss let the locker flow away in the East Wind which left us shivering very controllably for a few moments. Then we all got drunk again, dressed again and dragged the maintenance dude out the window. All but the superexistents of course who possibly passed on and on giving everyone vague memories of obsolete nightmares. Unrelatedly, the Gym-boring maintenance dude was finally revealed to be a long-lost third cousin removed, thrashed, removed, rehoused, rehashed, trapped and removed yet again no less than 16 times! Given the impressive amount of DNA technology at our fingertips (literally, look at my implant (see pic below)
it is astounding that it took the Boss 2496 milliseconds to figure out that he was related to the maintenance dude. Once the necessary recognition protocol was completed (which, according the Math-a-ron took another 645819327 microseconds) "the locker was let flow" as aforementioned.

Finally, I am glad I still have enough senses to write this piece before passing on...and on...and on...and on... and on... and on... and on...