SA lose to India in Durban T20 after Shah Rukh fails to deliver Afrikaans version of Script

In what history will remember as the greatest production disaster in Bollywood (formerly the Indian city of Mumbai, also formerly the British-Indian city of Bombay, also formerly..et c.) South Africa crashed to a debilitating defeat against India in the T20 International held at Durban last night. A misinformed outsider has it that the match was supposed to be a crucial plot element in a forthcoming motion picture starring those greatest of Bollywood-men Shah Rukh Khan and Anil Kapoor, who were both seen in the stands at Durban. They were gesticulating angrily by the end, an action that only mystified those poor thousands who were watching them instead of the match.

India's performance in the match was, as usual, characterized by blips of heroic action which interrupted overs of tedium, much like a Bollywood movie. South Africa also performed as is their wont, racing to a start that promised an early finish, only to end sputteringly. However, this was not to be the case. This match, celebrated as the last for the uncelebrated Makhaya Ntini, was to be his epic swan song, with him leading South Africa to victory with a well-wielded willow for a battle-axe. However, the match, and the movie plot collapsed as South Africa lost the plot owing to Shah Rukh's crucial failure to deliver, as promised, a version translated into Afrikaans. His stuttering, hamming version was verbally delivered in Hinglish, which is, understandably, poorly understood by most non-Indians, leave alone South Africans. South Africa even failed to get the alternate ending of losing by 20 runs right, sending in Rusty Theron at number 9 instead of potential matchwinner Makhaya Ntini. The fate of the movie featuring those fading heroes is best left to the readers imagination.

In another dramatic sporting news, Manchester United FC or rather their pet referee walked all over Liverpool FC in their FA cup fixture played at Old Trafford. Liverpool star Steven Gerrard was last seen walking up with his baby blanket asking if he could get his teddy bear to referee the match, which he preferred to the refereeing by Webb. He was subsequently red-carded.

Random Dude quits job to "bangalore" himself

In the latest and most heart-rending episode of the rising unemployment saga, a man who wished to be referred to only as Random Dude, has quit his lucrative and high-paying job after he "overheard two fellow employees talk about random dudes being bangalore-d". When pressed further on the issue, Dude tied his lips up with string, and when we looked at him incredulously, he wrote with pink chalk on a nearby black stone - " I am tightlipped!". (At this point we had to impose a restraining order on 20 people to prevent them from beating themselves to death with the same black stone.) Our in-house economist, Dr. Swa. Ha had this to say about the issue: "Give and take... that's the soundest economic policy." Random Dude flies out to Bangalore, India tomorrow evening to apply for employment at whatever company will get the contract from his former employers. The local president of Internationally Diversified Individuals Overreacting Tragically (IDIOTs) has planned a send-off party for Random Dude. They will give him a black-market copy of Fyodor Dostoevsky's The Idiot which is Holy Writ for the self-help group. "I woke up on a plane one day to find this in my lap" was the explanation for the gift.

Obituary - A Favorite Stuffed Correspondentist passes on

The entire staff, support and sundry at "A Necessary Dash of Satire", the Universe's primary source of outdated humor informs its readers (in jovial undertones) of the passing on..and on..ad nauseam of everyone's favorite Stuffed Correspondentist, whose name has never been known to anyone. The above person was known to be a lover of non-humanity (in every unprintable sense imaginable). It is hoped (and definitely not intended) that there will a gathering of those who wish to hurl a few final choice insults at this unseemly passing on - which happened even as the above person had struck the publish key on the summary of the forever Penultimate, never forgotten New Year bash.

Another stuffed correspondentist shall be chained to the newly vacated desk, once the superexistent version of the previous correspondentist decomposes sufficiently to allow us to remove the chains.