SA lose to India in Durban T20 after Shah Rukh fails to deliver Afrikaans version of Script

In what history will remember as the greatest production disaster in Bollywood (formerly the Indian city of Mumbai, also formerly the British-Indian city of Bombay, also formerly..et c.) South Africa crashed to a debilitating defeat against India in the T20 International held at Durban last night. A misinformed outsider has it that the match was supposed to be a crucial plot element in a forthcoming motion picture starring those greatest of Bollywood-men Shah Rukh Khan and Anil Kapoor, who were both seen in the stands at Durban. They were gesticulating angrily by the end, an action that only mystified those poor thousands who were watching them instead of the match.

India's performance in the match was, as usual, characterized by blips of heroic action which interrupted overs of tedium, much like a Bollywood movie. South Africa also performed as is their wont, racing to a start that promised an early finish, only to end sputteringly. However, this was not to be the case. This match, celebrated as the last for the uncelebrated Makhaya Ntini, was to be his epic swan song, with him leading South Africa to victory with a well-wielded willow for a battle-axe. However, the match, and the movie plot collapsed as South Africa lost the plot owing to Shah Rukh's crucial failure to deliver, as promised, a version translated into Afrikaans. His stuttering, hamming version was verbally delivered in Hinglish, which is, understandably, poorly understood by most non-Indians, leave alone South Africans. South Africa even failed to get the alternate ending of losing by 20 runs right, sending in Rusty Theron at number 9 instead of potential matchwinner Makhaya Ntini. The fate of the movie featuring those fading heroes is best left to the readers imagination.

In another dramatic sporting news, Manchester United FC or rather their pet referee walked all over Liverpool FC in their FA cup fixture played at Old Trafford. Liverpool star Steven Gerrard was last seen walking up with his baby blanket asking if he could get his teddy bear to referee the match, which he preferred to the refereeing by Webb. He was subsequently red-carded.