ICICI "not interested"
Mohen-jo-daro, November 10th 2008
The renowned archaeologist Harjagah Khode has accused the Captain of the Indian Cricket Team MS Dhoni for plagiarizing classical archaeological techniques to achieve victory "at no cost". He was specifically referring to the way Dhoni instructed his bowlers to "slowly and steadily chip away at the Australian batsmen" on the 3rd day of the Nagpur Test, a manner undeniably familiar to archaeologists. Mr. Khode, as readers may recall, has a record for falling into ancient graves that rocketed him into the Valhalla of Archaeology. He also happens to be a cricket aficionado - in his own words "Indian cricket is every archaeologist's dream - especially the way their batsman dig in and score a heap of ruins..err.. runs" and "the bowlers chisel out the batsman in time-honored archaeological fashion". He also had a tip for the selectors - " I tell you - forget all the foreign roaches.. I mean.. coaches. Appoint an archaeologist!" and promptly offered himself for the job.
In order to gauge opinion on the issue our reporters, who could not cough up the train fare to Nagpur, or the plane fare to London, instead rushed to the nearest ICICI bank atm to ask the security guard for his opinion. He was "not interested in this Dhoni-Shoni business" and requested our reporters to "give my lovely message a missus.. err.. missus a massage..err.. message". The contents of the message, although very revealing, will not be revealed. Our readers are asked to participate in this generation-defining poll: Should Dhoni be penalized for his actions? (See poll on left column). All abuse will be tolerated, if for the next week.
20081110
Grave Digger takes a dig at Dhoni
20081109
"Anyone who drives faster than me is a maniac, anyone who drives slower than me is a fool"
Timo Glock lashes out at critics and detractors
November 10th 2008
from our sports correspondent
"Anyone who drives faster than me is a maniac, anyone who drives slower than me is a fool" said Timo Glock speaking exclusively to our rabid F1 fan cum racing reporter "Fatafat" Fattulal. Following the dramatic last lap at last week F1 Grand Prix at Interlagos, where Timo apparently slowed down to let Lewis Hamilton sneak up and gain some points for the race and consequently the championship, Timo has been railed and ranted against. Fattulal took the opportunity to congratulate him on a wonderful season and made the unexpected blunder of asking him if he was going to trade places with Valentino Rossi next season. However, Fatafat decided that he was not going to print the interview with Glock since it was mostly an arithmetic series of unprintable expletives. Instead, Fatafat has decided to act as Glock's literary agent, especially using his soon-to-be-famous quote (see above) in enterprising situations. Here are some of his suggestions.
1) An Ad for Amaron Batteries - Glock will race his F1 car against a turtle and snail who thought it was a 3-legged race. 4 wheels vs 3-legs - the odds are very even.
It is rumored that the turtle will throw the race if someone will "murder that b*&%#@ defaming hare." Having subsequently lost the race, Glock will beam into cameras and pronounce his quote, leaving hundreds of hungry horses swooning due to low blood pressure. It will then be shown that the turtle is drinking the water from an Amaron battery. The previews have been rated as being "as brilliant as the Kolar diamond stolen by the Breeteesh" by our friendly-neighbourhood-Kannada-speaking Kritick Hogaye.
Left: Underpaid creative designer Yusles Phelo's version of Amma's campaign
2) An electoral ad for J.Jaayaaaalaaalithaaa to support her bid for becoming the next Indian PM. Vague details describe her pillion-riding Glock's F1 car, apparently hitching a ride from Raj Bhavan to Rajpath. The connection of the ad's content to the context of Glock's quote is yet to be determined.
3) Promotion for the re-release for the hindi movie "Race"
"Horse-racing, Horse Power! Oh ji! same difference ji!" claims Dukhi Singh, the man behind this magnificent plan to release Race across 26 theatres in "Canada Dry" preceded by a star-studded TV campaign starring Timo Glock, former McDowell's Indian Derby losers and Joykishon the Bengali whose sole claim to fame is to laugh like Akshay Kumar. The verdict - Singh is (Sin)Kinnngggg.
New Species discovered at Birmingham Zoo
November 9th 2008
from our foreign correspondent
Just when the world thought all unknown species of animals were only to be found in Africa, a hitherto unknown species of giraffe has been found in the wildest of places - the Birmingham Zoo in Birmingham, Alabama. The discovery was made by an Indian computer-science student who was trying to scare away some of the more boring species to be found at the zoo. Officials are perplexed as to how the animal escaped the notice of other officials and visitors. The animal has been temporarily named Bespectacled Giraffe (Giraffe spectaculis) owing to the peculiar fact that this giraffe was seen wearing glasses. It also allowed itself to be photographed before disappearing for another long while. Wildlife experts all over the world are outraged at the callousness of the Birmingham Zoo officials. One expert was so incensed that he immediately booked the wrong flight and ended up in Birmingham, England and became even more incensed. Others were merely content to send endless amount of spam to the officials unconcerned with the event. The World Wildlife Fund has announced a 2 INR (approx US $ 0.04) reward for the next person to spot the creature. In the U.S., please call 1-800-GOT-WILD for more enquiries.
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Indian Railways Website Hacked: Conspiracy suspected
November 8th, 2008
from our traveling correspondent, currently on the Darjeeling Limited
The wave of websites being hacked continues, and following the hacking of the campaign websites of President-elect Barack Obama and Senator John McCain, it is the turn of the Indian Railways. There seems to be no visible effect of the hack, and although web security experts are mystified as to what the Indian Railways has in common with the other two victims, the Indian railway minister, again revealing his brilliant insight, has accused the current chief Minister of Bihar of employing subversive means for political gains. In an interesting twist to the case, the report of the website being hacked was made by a man many know to be a foot-soldier of the Bajrang Dal. The police have paid him his bus fare home to reward him for fulfilling his civic duty and quashed all suspicions that the Bajrang Dal might have well been behind the incident. The CBI has promised to use its trademark unknown methods to hopefully zero in on the suspect. "Actually, we hope to one in on the suspect" a CBI man clarified "since there is bound to be at least one suspect, and as we all know, one is not equal to zero". His mathematical background is being verified at the time of writing this article as we adhere to the strictest standards of journalism.
Amma gives up shoes: Tamil Nadu S(h)ocked
Students give up their shoes to support Amma and ask the Indian cricket team to also do sofrom our Chennai correspondent
Tamil Nadu reacted with shock and disbelief - and some anger - as the former Chief Minister, notoriously called Amma, decided to give up on wearing footwear. Although she was not directly available for comment, sources close to her told our correspondent that Amma had resolved not to let "any artificial embellishments adorn her divine feet". This has sparked virulent arguments among veterans who immediately collected at the nearest tea-stall to discuss whether Ganguly should be allowed to play in the Indian team even after retirement.
The news has caused much anguish among her supporters in different parts of the state. Mu. Thalvan, a long-time fan of Amma wept openly (in front of possible Yash Chopra/Karan Johar agents), bewailing the wretched state of Tamil Nadu roads and their abrasive effects on Amma's feet. When the unnamed topper of his class pointed out that Amma would never need to walk, Mu. Thalvan proceeded to assault him physically leaving us in no doubt that the future of Tamil Cinema is safe.
Nation Celebrates as Parliament passes Garbage Bill
November 8th, 2008
from our New Delhi correspondent
Diwali came again to India this year, when, hardly a fortnight after the capital New Delhi was deluged with the debris from the record amount of firecrackers burst this year, the Parliament passed, with miraculous speed, what has been termed as the Garbage Bill. Under the provisions of this landmark legislative move, every citizen can now pay for their regular ration of Roti, Kapda and Makaan (literally - Indian breads, Cloth and Building) with the garbage accumulated during the month. This prompted patriotic citizens from all over the country to quickly turn off their T.V. sets and start bursting firecrackers again and then sweeping the streets in a frantic bid to accumulate garbage. It is expected that about 50 kiloquintals (approx. 50,000 kgs) of paper collected from firecrackers burst in the last one month will be used to pay for groceries in the state of Madhya Pradesh alone, thus giving the term paper money a whole new definition.
Little Chintu happily lights a sparkler to collect "galbej"Speaking at a hastily misorganized press conference where members of major news networks like NDTV, Aaj Tak and BBC were not included, the newly appointed Minister for Public Excretory Affairs, Mr. Ramnivas Baaswan beamed into non-existent cameras and vowed to bring accountability to the nation's garbage disposal systems. He said that it was sad that in the 125 years of India's independence (sic) we had lost such a huge quantity of domestic waste. He believes that the average Indian household will be able to save around Rs. 3000 (roughly US $ 60) per month by using garbage instead of other acceptable currency. He hoped that this saving would be fed back into the system by creating more garbage.
Meanwhile, members of the not-so-extreme Left parties staged a rally outside the press conference to protest this move. Their spokeswoman, Samta Sukhijee, was quick to mention that while the members of the Left had not voted against the bill, the rally was to underscore the fact that the Left believes in maintaining tradition. "Cholbe nai" was her response to whether such rallies would impede democratic process, thus establishing her fluent command of Bangla. There was no comment from the Home Ministry on whether a legal injunction was being sought on the rally.
In an related incident, our parliamentary statistician was admitted to the Ram Manohar Lohia Hospital following a paroxysm brought on by observing that this was the first time since Independence more than 500 members were present in the Lok Sabha at the time of the vote, and also the first time that more than 500 members passed a bill in the very first hearing.
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